Tuesday, May 09, 2006

moving

i'm going to move the posts from this blog to another blog i keep.....
click the email link if you'd like to follow me....

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

So Lonely

I'm lonely tonight. I have the house to myself for a little bit and collapsed into the bed only to feel like I was missing something. Part of me just wants to be alone. That alone that I never understood was so necessary to survival at times.

Do you remember years ago when you were younger hearing people say "I need some time to clear my head." or "I just need to be alone to think.". I never really understood that growing up. Things are really that simple when your younger and decisions seem to come so easy when you have youth on your side. Now... I need that time to think. I crave that time.

I was reflecting the other day on the reality of my life and came to the conclusion that my life really isn't that bad. It is what I make it in most respects. So why can't I be happy with what I have? I think the bigger part of me carries hidden resentment with myself for not taking advantage of opportunities I had when I was younger. I always wanted to be a mother, but not at 22 years old. I always wanted to be married but not at 20. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be backpacking across Europe. I wanted to be adventurous and do a Safari in Africa. I wanted to learn to surf in California. The strangest part was I wanted to do it all alone. I wanted to meet friends along the way and create those relationships as I went along.

Instead... I have 3 kids and the farthest I've been out of the country is PR. I know it's never to late to do the things you want but when you have kids you make certain sacrifices for there sake and put on hold your life until you've nurtured them and they grow there own wings.

So I'm lonely tonight for something I won't have for a long time.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

friends in need

When my friends go through turmoil I hurt for them.

one of my closest friends moved to Colorado several years ago with her husband and kids. I met her when I was pregnant with my second child. We were at the bookstore for a kids story time. I was big bellied, sitting in the only chair to be had, with my stack of books by my side as I watched my first born child listen to stories. She and I both went to reach for one of the books in my stack and our hands collided. She was slender and sassy and with her Ompalompa shirt on I had to strike up a conversation with her. It was friendship at first sight. We were on the phone every day, talking about everything and nothing at all. Our kids played together all the time and we did more than our share of outings as family and sometimes just the girls. She was my rock when I needed support though tough times I've gone through. The midnights sitting at Dunkin Donuts talking about the shit in our lives.

She married her husband shortly after we had met. There relationship has been turbulent to say the least. Turbulent relationship's is something she and I both knew all to well. After she moved we stayed close but all of a sudden she drifted away. No forwarding address and no phone number to get in touch with her. I worried but knew when the time was right my phone would ring again and it would be her. Sure enough 9 months went by and finally I heard from her but what I was finding out was that her and her husband were headed for divorce court.

My heart sank. She deserves more than this. Life is so not fair sometimes. Now they are not one of the couples who you look at and say "Man... I didn't see that coming". No. I did see it coming but still. I hurts me to see her going through this anguish now. She has 2 kids. Her eldest is 10 years old and from a previous relationship. Her second child is 3 years old and from her husband. Unfortunately her husband has made some very serious threats to her regarding custody of there kids. (her husband adopted her 10 year old). I want desperately to hop on a plane and bring her and the kids back here with me but I know I can't do that. At least not until I get that midnight help call.
I really hate watching her go through this all alone.

There is another new found friend of mine that is going through some difficult things and though we've only just begun our friendship, somehow I wish I could be there more for him. We met in blog land over a year ago but only voyured on each other's sites. There were occasional comments and emails but nothing more. A few weeks back (maybe more, I don't remember) we started really talking. I shared another part of my life with him that not many people know, in order to let him know he wasn't alone in some of the things he was going through. I'm not sure if that's what brought our conversations out but regardless, I'm glad he's a friend in my life now.

Recently he found out some potentially bad news about his life at home and I can see how much the bad part of the news is tearing him up. I've never met this man face to face but feeling a connection to him like this blows me away. I want him to find happiness and knowing he's got hurt in his life makes me want to do something about it just to see a smile across his lips but he's many miles away from me. So for now I'll just do what I can to be a friend... and maybe one day more.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Pleasant Days

Things the past week have been pretty good in my world. The husband has been in a very pleasant mood and the sex with him has been wonderful.

last night we got in the hot tub together and there must have been something in the bubbles we put in there because he was exceptionally sexy. I can't remember the last time he's touched, kiss, caresses, bite, nibbled me like that. After 2 very intense orgasm's we both feel asleep snuggled up together and woke up this morning grinning.

it's amazing how we can go for so long with such a hum drum sex life and then all of a sudden it's just "on" for him. I'm not complaining I just wonder how I can keep him "on" more often. After being with him for the past 7ish years I still find him incredibly sexy and attractive. It's just been the shit that's made him unattractive on occasion.

Perhaps it's time I started to let go of some of the distractions in my life and start concentrating on life at home? I don't know. That's much easier said than done. M and I talked about that the other day and we didn't draw any real conclusions whether I should clear out my life and focus 110% at home. Just more food for thought I suppose?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Proverbial Rope

How do you know when you've reached the end of your rope?

I think about this often though I never really talk about it with anyone. Not even my husband. Our marriage has been a series of ups and downs like most couples. Not unlike any other couple. The only difference with us is we have had drug addiction thrown in the mix. Not my cup of tea.

Over the course of the past 10 years I have truly taken the opportunity to learn about myself. Done some real soul searching. Some of the lessons in life I have learned through my children, other lessons I have learned by being open to change. But all in all I'm realizing that I probably am the only one experiencing real heartfelt growth in this relationship. Sad.

It's taken time for me to grasp the concept that I, and only I, control my happiness but by the same token it's been very liberating to get up each morning and be truly happy with myself. But like with many other things there's a catch. (You knew there had to be a catch)

Though my husband has his faults he does make some efforts every now. Aside from the nice things he does occasionally he is a hard worker and provides well for our family financially. He has personal ambition for the things that are important to him. And I stress HIM. Though there are these positives in our relationships, for me it's overshadowed with the fact that some core elements of relationship have been forever changed and in reality, I don't know that we really had the foundation I thought we did.

You see he had suffered with an addiction to Cocaine for many years. When I met him I knew he HAD done the drug but he made it clear that he had cleaned up and really, he minimized the amount he really used. (read: DENIAL) In my mind I thought he maybe had tried it a few times and that was it. I never knew it was a regular habit. Yes, he did kick the coke habit a few years back (2 years to be precise). He had been clean and sober for those 2 years and in the process things really got bad between us. He had anti depressant/anxiety pills prescribed that in hindsight didn't help him at all. Actually it washed our sex life down the toilet which was one of the many negative side effects to those stupid drugs. I know the drugs benefit a lot of people but for a person who has a high tolerance to any brain altering substances it does jack shit.

Our marriage got to the point where I knew if things didn't change (the constant fighting and negative energy) then one of us was going to have to leave. Making that choices wasn't going to be easy because we have kids. I have been out of the work force for many years and taking care of kids and going back to work would be a challenge to say the least. So I did what made sense. I talked to him. I didn't get a warm welcome to my suggestion of communicating. No surprise there but I'm a vocal person and I really think that there are thing in life that need to be talked about. This was one of those things. After a few reluctant and nerve racking conversations he got the gist of what I was saying though. Things had to change.

Here's the kicker.....

A few months later he had a solution to the problem. He went back to a less potent substance (read: DRUG). You see, for him this substance acts as a calming agent, so to speak. It does truly mellow him out much more than those anti-anxiety pills ever did but there is such a stigma in society with doing this "natural" substance.

Unfortunately I didn't discourage his use now. I'm at the end of my rope. We have kids to support in more ways than just financially and I needed a reprieve from the fighting. I desperately needed a break my soul didn't break. I was out of energy to fight and just wanted it to stop. But I'll tell you something, I feel guilt ten times over for not discouraging him.

Your probably wondering if I helped him find other solutions. Yes I did. I'd try leaving him alone to make his choices on his own. After all he's an adult and should make his own choices. I also told him how much he'd benefit from finding some more hobbies he could immerse himself in instead of 'using'. We tried to acclimate him to a few hobbies (very costly ones I might add) but after the thrill wore off that was it. We talked about the benefits of going to talk therapy. He's most certainly NOT motivated to do anything like that. Actually he won't go to therapy. I've tried doing everything under the sun but I'm coming to the realization I can't control his happiness. Nor can I control his actions. In the end he is the one making the choice and as I keep telling him. He has to make choices he can live with in the end.

Yes. I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I'm frustrated that he neeeeeds this outside substance to create his happiness. I'm angry that I can't do more to help him get out of his own way. I'm scared that I'll never really be out of this vicious cycle. I wish he could see the whole situation for what it really is.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Secrets of guilt

Sometimes I wish I could blog with more candor. There are others I read out there that just pour out every emotion onto the keyboard. Today is a day I wish I could do that.

I have always lived a life that I would not regret. I have tried to make choices that I could live with at the end of time. Though I make many many mistakes I know in my heart who I am. But recently I've been questioning a choice made long ago.

you see... When my husband and I met there were things I didn't know about him. Foremost the drugs. I didn't know the extent of it and how it really did affect our lives. He caused him to be very secretive, very paranoid, very angry, edgy. This led to many fights that at the time I took personally.

it was about 6 months after we had met and moved in together. We were very much in love but things were strained. He did not have the support of his family and our life was laced with his secret habit. With each fight we had I felt like he was pushing me father and father away and eventually he asked me to move out. Though right before the request for me to move out happened we had found out I was pregnant. Yes ... I was carrying his child. Though the circumstances were quite shitty, I was tickled pink to be pregnant. I very much so enjoyed my first pregnancy and motherhood suited me very well. So I had the confidence to raise a second child iregardless of him. I immediately told him the news of the baby. Unfortunate for me he didn't take the news well. He was actually very angry about it. {at the time he was also dealing with a personal family illness of one of his siblings (who later went on to pass away).} his immediate words was to have an abortion. My jaw dropped. I was raised in a very religiously moral home and abortion was just NOT an option for me. It wasn't something could live with.
you can't begin to imagine the emotions that started running through me.

this was a man who said he loved me. This was a man who said we could weather any storm. This was a man who said he so wanted to have a family and kids of his own. Yet now everything that came out of his mouth betrayed what he had ever said.

honestly it felt like my world had dropped out from under me. I was a few weeks pregnant and the mother of a 2 year old, living with my boyfriend who wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. Well after many tears and much thought I gave in. Unfortunately my desire to be with this man usurped my maternal instinct to carry this baby to full term. My best friend (surrogate sister) went with me that fateful day. Everything about that day was just wrong. This was my baby... And I wanted to keep it but I would have had NO support. My mother would not have spoken to me if I asked her for help, my boyfriend wanted me to move out if I kept the baby, and I had to keep supporting my 2 year old son.

Now that I am older and wiser I know how much I really could have handled. I know that I really could have made it on my own with 2 kids. I know that I was stronger than I realized and I didn't have to terminate that pregnancy. There were worse things in the world I could have had to deal with.

I wonder what my life would be like now if I had kept that baby. I wonder if I really would have gone it alone. I wonder if it was really worth giving up that baby for the life I have now. I wonder if the man I ended up marrying, a year and a half later, was really worth it.

We went on to have 2 more kids. We never talk about that day and maybe that's best. But in my heart of hearts I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself for not being stronger. For not knowing more and not standing up for what I wanted. The baby.

I know now that no one can ever push me to making a choice and I have learned from horrible day that but still.... It was a horrible way to learn a lesson.

Friday, February 03, 2006

in my dreams

it's late in the evening. though it has been a good evening on the home front my thoughts are consumed elsewhere.

there are times in life you find the rare treasure of true friendship.
when the conversation just flows.
when the smiles are over abundant.
when you find yourself day dreaming about your new found treasure of a friend.
when your day dreams fly off into the fantasy of actually being face to face with with your new friend.

i find myself day dreaming a lot right now......